Where have I been and where am I going???

I haven't fallen off the edge of the world but things have been a bit overwhelming for me since the beginning of the year. Where do I begin and where do I go from here….first and foremost, apologies to all for the long-winded/non-stitching related/whining post…..

I was once told when you have troubles a method to ease those troubles was to put pen to paper. There is supposed to be a ‘release’ so to speak of your woes and worries as you let them flow down your arm, through your hand and out onto the paper. In this day of computers, iPads and laptops, writing becomes typing and journals and diaries have transformed into blogs or Facebook. To that end…..this particular post is a venting, a questioning, a pondering of what the heck is going on with me and, hopefully, a path forward.

Just recently, my son’s mother-in-law passed away. Although she had been ill, her poor condition accelerated rapidly in the last six weeks. While we were neither emotionally or geographically close, you still hurt for your child and his family while they are dealing with the immediate and emotional issues and stress when a loved one passes. It also gives you a bit of pause with your own mortality. I need to get my affairs in order. I need to see a lawyer about a will. As I was heading out the door to attend her memorial services and I received a call that my sister-in-law had passed away suddenly. You know that minute when your world stops. Well it happened. How will I tell my husband? She’s younger than me; she recently beat cancer, she was always full of life. How will my husband take the news? Shirley and I were not what you would call best friends but she had a good heart, always accepted me with open arms and was a part of my life for 38 years. We had different political views, different philosophy on child rearing, different tastes, different wants and goals, but we were family.

As I have tried to ponder the events of the last several weeks, something seems to come up universally……take time for the ones you love…family or friends….just do it. In this world of texting and Facebook (and while they both have their place and usefulness) we sometimes forgot to reach out and manage to pacify ourselves that we have done it via a text or email. With my sister-in-law, Shirley, touching base with her in a few days became a week, became a few weeks and ultimately became months. I kept telling myself I was going to head out early some Saturday morning, take the 3 hour drive to visit her but there was always something else to do. So while I ‘liked’ and ‘commented’ to different posts on Facebook, I never took the time to take that drive and now I never can.

Families have issues. All families do. One of the nicest compliments I ever received was that no matter what, my brother, my sister and I, we are always there for each other. Talk about goals, hobbies, interests that differ but it matters not….we are family. We have a history. While I have always longed for the Norman Rockwell life, my husband’s side is more like a scene in Parenthood where Crosby and his brother break out in fisticuffs in the living room. We have never had physical fistfights; there have been the verbal ones that put a wedge between family members. Maybe these recent events are meant to serve as a wakeup call.

In my life I have had people who have hurt me. People I have trusted, people I have shared my dreams and my secrets, people who I have invested my heart with to be blindsided by the reality that our whole friendship was a lie to the point that it rattles your foundation. What you thought you knew as true, wasn't and you no longer trust your instincts. You build a wall to protect yourself from the pain people might cause you. I long ago came to the realization that I am the support person. I need to be needed. I have a lot to offer in the way of help, in the way of a shoulder, etc. and I keep on giving even when it is not reciprocated. There were events that become so catastrophic in my life that I have shut that side of me off out of the fear of being hurt. Is it self-protection? Definitely. So what have I done to fill the void? Throw myself into my volunteer work and hobbies as a way to avoid dealing with the personal connection?

Weeks before Dee and Shirley passed, I have found myself in a funk of sorts. No direction. No energy. No drive. Post holiday recovery I was telling myself. I am finding that I don’t do things halfway. Because I decided it was important to exercise every morning, I sacrificed my daily morning stitching time. Years ago when I wasn’t such a stitching fiend, the morning workout worked for me. This is no longer true. Who really wants to be out the door four out of five days at 6 a.m. and not get home again until 6 or 6:30 p.m.? Maybe others do it, and maybe I could have done it 20 years ago, but not now. These "others" don't have any other interests. So my stitching therapy has been ripped away from me. It is amazing how our stitching centers us or at least it does me. It is amazing how not doing this one simple thing every morning has left me adrift in this sea of confusion. You non-stitchers will just not get it. Stitching is a part of me. Take it away and you might at well have taken away my right arm. The void is that great.

Another incredible thief of my time lately has been Facebook! It is one thing to keep track, send a quick comment but I have gotten sucked into the vortex of the games. I don’t want to tell you the number of mindless hours I have let slip through my fingers playing games and remaining completely impersonally, justifying there is no cost involved, I was not bothering a soul, I needed 'mindless' diversion, but really……what does it matter? I mean really, it is the stereotypical mentality….”do you have the Tea House yet?” is not that dissimilar than “What color/brand is that nail polish? No disrespect to anyone intended. Nail polish is important to some but I have other interests. I do enjoy the games and like the search and find puzzles but I need to get this in perspective. I feel myself being sucked into this time draining vortex of mouse clicks as my way of not dealing with what I need to. For someone that started this year with over 25 WIP's I don't recognize this person I have become that can only devote time to one thing. I have started to tell myself how unproductive and that every hour I spend search for clues is an hour I could spend outside in the yard or sewing in my sewing room. My struggling to strike that good balance is a battle I want to win. There are only so many hours in a day and I need to straighten up and fly right and stop wasting them! Life is too short.

I did finish a baby quilt last week and here you go again…..this is for someone I do not know, never have met and probably never will. Why? I convinced myself it would be good practice. It is for the new baby for the son and daughter-in-law, who I do not know, of a friend. Yet, I cut and sewed for this person but didn’t take the time for make quilts for my two newest nephews. Why….it is that family wedge thing again? It is that so much time and energy in different directions has passed and we can’t find our way back? Is it keeping up appearances for others and being more worried about what outsiders think? Is it being afraid to let someone in again in case they might hurt me later? Whatever it is, I have vowed I will be making two little boy baby quilts that I will deliver to my family members.



The couple does not know the sex but wanted a monkey theme. The colors don't show well in the bright sunlight.



I just love the backing fabric.



I already have fabric in mind for my two nephews baby quilts -- trucks and bulldozers!



As for cross stitch, I really hope to move this to the finished column this week. Should only take me one pre-work morning of stitching and then I can be off to the framer's with it.

Where do I go from here? I hope this is just a blip in my life and I rebound shortly. I plan to follow my six steps for a better life.

I always find solace in picking up my daily mediation book and reading the verse of the day. So for Step One, that is what I will do.

Step Two, I hope I will keep those promises I have made to myself to reach out to family and old friends and stop convincing myself I can't with the ‘busy’ barricade. I will stop fearing hurt as a way of avoiding family and friends.

Step Three, I will pick up pen and paper and return a letter to a friend, I will write the thank you note that is needed, I will pick up the phone and make that call.

Step Four, I will try to find that balance between exercising and crafting and other things in my life. I may need the exercise physically but I need the crafting emotionally and for my well-being more. It is as much a part of me as having blue eyes!

Step Five, I will stop being so hard on myself. From the outside we think everyone else has it together and only we do not. Not true.....I will stop finding it so hard to give myself a break.

Step Six, I will take better care of myself, the right amount of sleep and take my vitamins.


Thanks for letting me bear my soul and vent. I think I feel better already. I do feel like I have released some stress and have a direction forward.

A week of extremes

Last weekend was a weekend of extremes - extreme emotions that is....
First, since Mr. Wonderful is still galvanting about the country doing his volunteer work, all the house and yard work falls to me. So Friday, the emotions were tired but a good tired and feeling of pride after the yard was edged and mowed and beds were weeded.


Saturday morning, the emotion was excitement, team pride and feeling good by participating.  I did a 5K for work for the Blood Bank. Enter the feeling of exhaustion.  We had a team made up of all the us on the third floor - we were Team Vain - an adaptation from our original name - the Varicose Veins! Here is the shirt we made - our team placed first for theme and second for spirit.  Feeling some team pride!  We felt creative when we unveiled the shirts we sprayed with a faux evening gown look that we each decorated differently. 

The team with the most points at the end of the summer blood drive gets an extra day of vacation. WaHoo! We were thrilled.  We sang Carly Simon's You're so Vain and we "gavotted"  just like in the song. That illicited the emotion of silliness!

Mid-afternoon, the emotions were concern, apprehension, feeling of helplessness. My son-in-law decided to travel from near Boat House Row in Philly to the beach by my house in a one man kayak. It is a thirty mile trip. We were tracking him with google maps from his phone but even with the solar charger his phone lost its charge. All the roaming I think. The emotion of tense entered as I baja'd in a PRIUS behind the local DOD facility. (it was like a comedy episode of  Ethel and Lucy, trust me.  Me in yoga capris and a Vera Bradley visor and my daughter a nervous wreck and my son telling me not to stray off the path because it was a straight drop into the lake!) through the twists and turns of the dirt trails that lead through an abandoned military base on the river. It was a 15 minute drive in. Desperation quickly turned to exhilaration when we saw Mickey round the bend in the shoreline a mere minute after our arrival on the beach. Concern came next when my daughter and I were afraid he would not call it quits and he would wish to continue the last three miles. At the rate he was going, 3 more miles would have been 3 hours and it was getting dark.  He was ready, he came ashore, we deflated his kayak and got him some fresh water.  He was drained we were relieved.

  


Their modes of transportation!  Her bike and his kayak. I caught these crazy two being silly kayaking on the sidewalk.  I am happy there are being safe applying the sunscreen.

 Sunday came the emotion of excitement again - friends with children were coming over for a cookout. We were all satisfied after all the good food.

savored the smell of bacon and onions cooking up for my beans

 

mouth watering berries, yum



beans in the crock pot simmering

  

pasta salad



Little nervousness while Iris pet the fish.   Don't fall in Iris!

The weather was also great and I love the feeling of nostalgia I get when watching the curtains being blown by the breeze. Don't know why I feel nostalgic about the look and the sound of the breeze blowing through the curtains but I am.  I reminds me of simpler times.  It also gives one a feeling of peace and hominess.

And now back to the mid-day Saturday emotions of concern. After months of not knowing what to do; of falling further and further behind in his bills and mortgage due to being out of work 24 of the last 48 months, my son has made the gut-wrenching decision to short-sell his house. Part of the reason is because his wife, his source of love and pride, (mix his emotions with mine) has a huge grant/fellowship opportunity for a Masters/PhD program at Penn State, State College PA. It is too good to pass up and the decision was not made without a myriad of emotions on their part.





Nothing says it better than a u-haul filled to the max.



 So after all the ups and downs and twists and turns of last week, I took to the solitude after everyone left on Sunday evening and had time to reflect and just mellow out under my newly illuminated pergola while I sipped on a nice cup of coffee.  Pergola is not new, adding the lights is.   Enter serenity after a full weekend.