Sunday, September 18, 2011

Men have it easy!

Mr. W. and I went to a wedding this weekend.   There were 5 flower girls and 5 bridesmaids and 5 groomsmen and ONLY 3 little boys. BIG BIG wedding party.    The little ones were so adorable and the bride looked radiant and happy.   But on to us....apparently Mr. W.  forgot about the length of a catholic wedding.  I know the whole up and down thing and it is long, but the priest kept stopping and telling everyone to come up and take pictures. "We are now going to stop the ceremony for a few minutes ......Photo Op everyone".   Not once but several times. Not that a wedding has to be stuffy but there seemed there was little sanctity to the ceremony. There were a lot of people just exiting the church randomly and re-entering too during the ceremony. Just strange. It was a tiny, old church with creaky floors and creaky pews.   Noisy with all thoses ups and downs and shifting of the weight and ins and outs. 

After the wedding there was a two hour lapse between the ceremony and the reception and we went back to our room because we were getting a taxi from the hotel to the reception.  It was 8 miles and $21 later, a ride from hell......sitcom funny ride from hell..... but more of that later on...   

But I need to go back to the Thursday, I tried on all my dresses Thursday night and the purple one, even though I tried it on in the strore - now looked like a maternity dress, so I decided on the turquoise and purple dress. One problem, the security tag was still on the jacket.  Fortunately I took the day off on Friday to handle a drs.' appt., run errands and to pack. 

I head to Boscovs to return the purple dress and get the tag off the jacket of the other dress. Now I need jewelry since what I was wearing with the purple dress will not go with the turquiose and purple dress.  I liked what I got the first time in reds and purples, I get the same thing  in turquoise and purples. (Note to self - should have taken the red jewelry back and saved a future trip to Boscov's.)

Since I am at the department store,  I decide I should get myself real pantyhose. What an episode this was. I realize from the size chart I wear not an A, B or C but I wear FG! Must mean Fat and Grande for my size. So I can't decide what to get - off black, suntan.......I get one of each but here is the tricky part, I have to get  two different brands because FG in black doesn't come in the one brand and the Suntan doesn't come in the other brand which means in those I wear a P2. It's all good. I get one of each and I am off........

Fast forward to the hotel and getting dressed, I choose the off black to wear and thank heavens Mr. W. was outside having a cigarette. I bought a body shaper/minimizer thing to help smooth everything and keep all my jiggling parts from being out there free and jiggling.   I thought I was going to have to jump off the bed and into the pantyhose and tummy (ass/hips) body smoother controller thing. I was tugging and pulling and grunting. I can only get the pantyhose up so high on my waist and I am afraid to pull too hard for fear of putting a nail right through the $$$ pantyhose. But it is all good and I eventually get all my emmenseness in. I've broken a sweat but I am ready to take out my hot rollers and do my hair.  First thing I notice with this body minimizer thingie, I can't feel my dress against my body and I have no idea if it has ridden up, or if I tucked the hem of the dress in my underwear or what.

In the effort to streamline my packing, I made the decision I don't need a brush or hair dryer or a ton of hair products. I knew that once I take my hair out of my hot rollers, I will used my tried and true method  to turn my head upside down and spray everything with hairspray, wait a few seconds flip my head and hair up and I only need to run my finger threw the big soft curls and I'm golden. Right? WRONGO! The little purse size hairspray in my travel bag was like the kind of stuff the kids use to spike their hair straight up. (Another note to self - get a different brand of travel size hairspray.)  My hair was not moving, it was not the bouncy curls I was looking for. It is STIFF   Really stand up straight STIFF.  Drat!  Mr. W. has come and gone and is waiting in the parking lot to drive to the church.  I pulled and tugged a bit and worked it out to a somewhat normal look. Later, sitting in the church I had the  foreboding that it might spring back into the stiff spiked look!

After the ceremony, we are standing outside the church and I smooth my hands over my dress to make sure it is covering my minimized behind and I feel  a definite binding around my is the top of the pantyhose.  I decide when we go back to the room that I will try the other pantyhose. Good thing Mr. W. goes outside for another  smoke and good thing we had over an hour to kill because I went through the whole jumping up and down thing to get into the pantyhose and body shaper thing-a-ma-jig!

So now for the taxi ride from hell.    Taxi pulls up and Mr. W. even opens and closes the door for me.   Taxi driver, Little Anthony, I learn, tells me Mr. W. needs to get in the same side I did because the other door doesn't work.  So I notice the window is open and I slide over and tell W. he needs to go around to the other side.   OK, my driver is from America Samoa and his hair fills up the whole driver's side front of the car.   Really.    The headliner is falling down, the pleather seats are cracked (Please don't get a run in the pantyhose!!!  I don't know if I can jump up and down again and go through all that again.)  I am trying to put on my seat belt but can't find the receiver end of the seatbelt. I am digging in the seat and decide at some point to risk being a projectile if we crash because that is the safer choice between that and sticking my hand in between the bottom and the back of the seat. I am sitting there like a goofball with the seatbelt across me and holding it with my right what is that going to accomplish?  and all this is before we even move. Now Little Anthony, who is not little,  starts to drive, and the car moves a bit and THEN the gears shift with a thud.   The gears continue to do the delayed shift  and bang over the course of the ride.   Little Anthony tells us proudly he has 411,000 miles on his car.  Never would have guessed.     So, now we chug out of the hotel complex, I figure I should put the window up and it doesn't work.   I am sitting half leaning/half sitting to keep the humid wind from blowing what remains of my hairdo into a freakshow look.  Mr. W. is looking at me like what is your problem all leaning over and kind of belted.   I felt like the Lucy half of Ethel and Lucy!

In to the reception and of course one man notices I changed pantyhose (and I am still asking myself why/how he noticed)  and you know what that leads to.......what did you two do back at the room. OMG! I couldn't deny it because he wouldn't believe it and neither would any of the others standing there eating the butlered  hors' doeuves (sp??) Mr. W. was oblivious to all of it and just smiled not even knowing why he smiled. I never laughed to myself so much....thinking if this guy only knew what went on at the hotel room all his fantasies about me would quickly be dashed.  He surely would prefer celibacy from that point on. 

Good times people, good times. 

We were home mid-day Saturday and Mr. W.  cut the grass and I did some yardwork and we both took naps. I think it was because he was up past his bedtime and I was exhausted from jumping off the bed into undergarments!     I can't imagine what Linda Carter went through to get into the Wonder Woman outfit she wore. 

Today, I went to the Philly Expo to the quilt show with my sister. We had a nice time, laughing and giggling. It was her first time and she was overwhelmed. I got some gadgety type things.   Met Deb Tucker and Patricia Pepe - who both were awesome and who both gave fabulous demonstrations.   Now I am thinking I should have gotten Deb Tucker's wing-tool too.  We left bright and early this morning, stopped for breakfast and then hit the show.   We made a day of it and now I need another nap.


Lynn said...

LOL! You made my day!

Sherry :o) said...

I bet your sister was laughing with your story - I sure was...and why would someone ask about your hose...even if they did notice...humm! I am so glad most don't wear them to work anymore, so I don't have to; although I think they look better than my bare sticks (chuncky, white) sticking out beneath skirts.

Sounds like you had an interesting wedding - I can't imagine taking pics through the ceremony - which is supposed to be serious!

Have a good week.

SparkCrafted said...

YES! The body shaper things totally make it impossible to feel if your skirt is hanging or tucked! I usually end up looking like I'm picking a constant wedgie! Just better to wear pants...

My favorite part, though, is Little Anthony.

Mad about Craft said...

I laughed out loud at this post! What a day!

Julie M said...

Very funny post! Thanks for the laugh! I thought things like that only happened to me!

Siobhan said...

LOL!! Too funny. One of the reasons why I hate wearing dresses is the necessity (for me) for the body smoother things. I'm short enough that when I sit down, the fat that has been smoothed down ends up bubbling out of the top of it and then I'm slowly being strangled by my own whale blubber. Not a fun time. Now I wear pants whenever I can. I have one outfit that I wore to both of my brothers' weddings, another family wedding, a Confirmation, a 1st Communion... I call it my Sacrament outfit.

I have never heard of a priest interrupting a mass--or allowing it to be interrupted--so that there could be picture taking! I wouldn't be too enamored with that. It is a Sacrament. I guess the happy couple liked the pictures but yikes! It sounds like a good day, though.

Cindy said... made my day with your story! thank you for sharing as i don't feel alone anymore...tried the body shaper thingy for my daughter's wedding and after the day was over it went in the trash!

Susan said...

Robin, you had me laughing out loud with this post! It was nice to see you and meet your sister at the quilt show in Oaks (hope one of you wins the raffle quilt from my guild if I don't). Hope you're having a great time in OC this weekend!